The Dreaded Weigh-in

I gained. Simple. I give up. My laptops FUCKED. I cant even lose HALF A POUND. I gain instead. Great. All I want to do it cut. But I cant.

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy...

I have my weigh in tommorow, I am really really nervous about it. I have been drinking cider and vodka every day since last thursday and even though I know how many calories are in alcohol, i still drank it like it is going out of fasion.


Thankyou for all of your lovely comments, sorry I can't put anything really very inspiring today, not that I really do anyway tbh.


I also found out I had an english exam this morning,(luckily I woke up early!)


It was on Romeo and Juliet, which because of lack of going to school, I have never read. YAY. I looked up on it when I got back at about 11.

I recon I gained this week,
I started eating again today.
Not much
I've eaten 78 calories
and worked off 600.
:/
Dunno, im going out for a bike ride.

Also, my laptop has been infected by like millions of viruses, I have to reset my entire laptop. Loosing everything, Pictures, Music etc. so I am sat on the main computer hoping that I remember to delete the history. If this gets found then I will probably just die.
This is a place where I write my personal thoughts, if anyone in my family decides to read this I am fucked.
My parents know that im mentally ill, They know about my tablets, My suicide attempts, My self-harm. But if they found out about Ana, That would probably be the last straw for them.

I hope that Ana will be with me tonight, I cant bear to gain. I would be so upset, I worked really hard this week, exercising before I go to bed, and after I wake up, Then in the day aswell [or night time, depending what time I wake up]

I feel like I need to do something with my life, I sit at home, go to school for an hour or so, then come home. Left to my own accord with only thoughts about Self Hatred and Ana.

Everythings just so quiet, I do jobs for my mum, Hang out the washing Blah Blah Blah. But i still feel like im sitting behind a chair, evaluating my life second by second. Seeing how FAT I am, How much I hate it. I feel it rolling over on my FAT belly, It folds in half when I sit down. :(

I just need something to revive me, Inspire me.

Sorry there is no thinspo, Didnt want to save it on my Dad's computer. :'(

From your Un-inspired, Quiet, Cut off Star xx

7.5 down... 6.5 to go...

After loosing just over half a stone in a week, I am hoping that maybe I can lose 6.5 pounds this week.

To reward myself for doing this, I will go and get my tongue peirced. This will hopefully hurt A LOT. Therefore stopping me from self harming for a little bit.

Yehh, I have gone cold turkey on self-harm. I made a deal, which i'm glad I made, But the erge is still there. :/ Its been about a month.

I was going through my pictures when I found pictures of some of my cuts, IF YOU GET TRIGGERED EASILY DO NOT LOOK.:












I dont think these are my worse ones, but just to give a slight idea. :(


I found my tablets, I lost them about a week ago now, Haven't felt so happy in my life.
The new tablets they put me on seriously reduce appetite, mine has dissappeared.(Y)

Some days are disasters that you wish could just end. Other days are bastards, just like a bad boyfriend. But it makes me feel much worse than this to see a face masked with a frown. I'm not telling you to smile but don't be down. Don't be down, my friend. Don't do your wrist any harm. You don't belong on a funny farm... (8)

Has anyone watched skins?

I love this song, made me happy. I sing it all the time now. ^_^

Ive never properly put any thinspo on here, but here is some anyways :) xx

Oh Yehh Sun-Lit~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

errm...

Hi my beautiful followers, sorry i havent posted in a while, Not that it really matters because no body reads it.
See, I havent really known what to write.

I could tell you my life,
But no one wants to hear it.

I could tell you my thoughts,
But thats just Depressing.

So, im just gunna talk for the sake of talking, well, typing.

Im planning to get drunk tonight, again, just like the last 2 nights.
It makes me feel safe and secure, [but also like i dont need to worry about anything.]


But the problem is, it makes me put on weight like crazy.
-The amount of calories in alcohol makes me go dizzy thinking about it.

So I weighed in on wednesday. I lost 7.5 pounds. I am really pleased with that, im just wondering how long it will stay off.

My sleeping patterns have changed.

I have seriously forgotten when I last ate.(Y)

I bought myself a red bracelet today, and also bought one for my friend because hers broke(N)







Its Sun-lits~ birthday on the 29th, HAPPY BIRTHDAY :) xxx

Love from your Very hungover Star~xx

What is the Point?

What is the point of writing a blog that no one reads?
What is the point in getting up in the morning?
What is the point of having a blog that you cant express your true feelings on because you remember a deal youve made?
What is the point of staying up all night to make sure people are alright for you to go to sleep?
What is the point of living?
What is the point of medication that doesnt work?
What is the point of having a girlfriend that you cant confide in because your scared of her?
What is the point of trying to go against your own feelings if you always loose?
What is the point of food?
What is the point of a school that just makes you feel alone?
What is the point of trying to make friends that hate you?
What is the point of depression?
What is the point of doctors that hate you and don't really care?






WHAT IS THE POINT TO LIFE? :(




From your Sad, Lonely, Cut off, Unloved
Star x

Make Up on a face Doesnt Change the Person Underneath...

You know how 2 year olds act at their birthday parties? Thats how my 13 year old sister is acting today. even though her birthday in tommorow. Ive locked myself in my room, smoking my life away out the window.

It was my Grandad's 70th Birthday party last night. I ate like a ... Actually, ill porbably make myself sick if I think about it to much, and drank Babycham like I had been in the desert for a month without water. I feel like shit today because of it though, Im a little hungover. :/

So how is everyone else doing? xx Star~

If Today Got Any Better, I Would Be The Happiest Girl On Earth =D

Well, to start things off, today was actually crap until about 3ish. Then I got a phone call telling me to get to St. Marys primary school [about 2 miles away!] for quater past.

I though : I'm never going to make it.

But, I walked a mile and a half, In 7 Mins!

I was like

SHIT! I can walk fast! =D

Then I met my friend 5 mins later half a mile away.

I went back to his house [that is unheard of! his mum hates me!] :O

So then he came back to mine, we watched friends, blah blah. Drank loads and loads of sugar free energy drinks, [they speed up weight loss by so much!]

Then at about half 5 i got informed of a swiming test that i was apparently doing at 6! [WTF? i never got told of this!]

[I havent been swimming since last year]

I then went to slimming world with mother dear.
She gained half a pound
and I lost a pound.
Meaning I am now 2 and a half pounds off of losing half a stone in a month.
Then, when I get to a stone. I can get my tongue peircing :)

I have had such a good day :)

xxxxxx

This convo probably just saved my life:-

I'm not going to listen
to anyhting else.
becuase
right.
i know the truth.
your funny
and caring
and sweet
and such a laugh
and an amazing friend
and i actually admire you.


I know you dont have blogger. but I love you vicci Talbot. My Turtoid
xx

This too:-
no, you watch movies with me and make me happy
From sun-lit~ I love you, and I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for you and george.

xx

To Sun-Lit

To Sun-lit. im not going anywhere quite yet.
We have a while to convince my body out of this.
If you hadnt intorduced me to Ana, I would have killed myself ages ago.
You and Ana have saved me for now.
If I can lose the weight I need to by the date ive set, then i won't do it.

Thats the deal.

I hope it cleared things up a little bit. :)

Im feeling rather unispired today. And a little down. So maybe I should just fade into the background and not do anything. Maybe if I sleep long enough I might feel better. But I cant actually sleep until it is dark, or getting dark.

I have a 2 hour Religious Studies exam today, that I didnt even know about.
Yay. Life is full of surprises.

I am supposed to be revising, but I simply cant bring myself to look at the book. its rediculous.

:/

well, its nearly lunch time, and I havent eaten anything yet. So one thing today is going well. ish.

I woke up about an hour ago, and I just read through everyones wonderful blogs. They are all so inspiring. It made me happy :)

In case you are wondering [which you probably aren't] no im not meant to be in school. Im not going in this week at all apart from 2 hours tommorow for my stupid fucking exam! ruin my week much.

The Rocks of Life Won't Pull Me Down...

Im still awake from a movie night. we started watching films about 12 hours ago. we finished about an hour and a half ago. It was a weird night. We watched a series of really triggering films, then we watched little miss sunshine (its a great 'feel good' movie because we were all feeling a bit triggered) then we watched toy story, and still have to watch the second one.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

They must be felt with the heart.

- Helen Keller

This is a little something for sun-lit~ if she ever finds out how to read my new blog.

I offer you peace.
I offer you love.
I offer you friendship.
I see your beauty.
I hear your need.
I feel your feelings My wisdom flows from the Highest Source.
I salute that Source in you. 

Let us work together for unity and love. - Mahatma Gandhi

 I will always be here for you jazzle. If you promise to be there for me and help me with this.

For George, Who has been a great friend to me since colfox.
Ill help you, even if no one else will. Here's something for you.

Love You xx
"How do you know you've found your best friend.
When you are ready to talk to them about anything,
even though they know everything about you already."

I forgot to take my tablets last night. Well, Actually, i didnt forget, i didnt take them because i thought that i wouldnt need them. i would be with some friends all night, i would be happy. Turns out that maybe i was going to ruin the whole night! im sorry jazzle and george.

But Tbh, even though you were there i still did something. I just couldn't do it so deep as i would usually do in time like that, so thanks for saving me a hospital trip. :)

I havent even bothered to look at the scales for the past 2 weeks, i know how shit i have done without being shown that i have gained the 11lbs i lost.

*"Don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow." Im gunna write this on me to remind me - I think everyone should take notice of this, everything is going to be good monday, tuesday and [fingers crossed!] Wednesday.
Under 500 calories a day.
I can do it :)
then on Thursday, i might make it 400 calories, maybe.

I am going to be fasting for 48 hours starting at 10pm tonight. You are welcome to join me, just leave a comment to let me know.

Please take care of yourself
Love from Star
xxxxxx

TheTearsBehindTheSmile...

I used to use this image as my display picture.
Im sure everyone feels like this once in their life time. but i feel it all the time.

This is a picture of me. Before i got fat. I wish i could rewind the clock and be like that again. But even then i felt fat.
Food made me like this. I didnt have control over the food. It forced me to eat it. Then i met my girlfriend. She was really fat, and ate a lot.

I joined in with her.

I hate going on holiday.
I always eat lots because i can't smoke to supress hunger.
It would be obvious, if i happened to be doing a fast [which i was] then they would see me not eating.

Parents suck,
No one needs them.
My parents shouldnt exist.
My mum is an alcoholic.
My dad is just annoying, he always sides with my mum.
My sister, lets not even start.

I need to be thin.
I will be thin.

No one can stop me.
Ana is there for me.

"I am your butter and your bread. The voice that's in your head. I'll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed" -Ana

Much love ~Star xx