Did you miss me?

I'm back, Obviously none of you did miss me. I'm not that interesting...
although it has been 6 months, it almost feels like its been years. Years of failer, and dissapointment.
Maybe they were only so long becus of the long nights, being unable to sleep. THe long nights of nothing but blood and heart ache. The long nights, waiting for people to text me, just to see if they care...
But amongst all that, there seems to be light. A hope. A hope that is worth me staying in this world,, just a little longer.
But then, something like this happens. I am dragged straight back into my hell, because of some apsolute ass-hole. I was picking myself up, I didnt need the help of this blog to keep me going and inspired. But now that I am not just looking after myself... but a tiny little baby aswell, I dont know what to do with myself.
Im going to get fatter, moddier, and then when it's born, i'll be saggy, and be weighed down by a massive pair of boobs.

Well, everything was going well. I didnt cut, at all from october until about 3 weeks ago when I found out. no body knows. Just my blog page now.
NOT even my girlfriend knows. She would think I had been cheating.

Maybe, no, Its probably just what I deserve. Karma, some might call it.

Yours,
Star xx

lonely... where has she fucked off too now?

Ok, realising that nobody reads my blog has made me realise that I can put whatever the fuck I like on here!

I am pissed off ny head on vodka. Despite the fact I don't drink I've had half a pint of vodka.

I am just gunna lie here all day like I have done since monday. I'm gunna stay drunk forever and get fat.

I'm destined to gett fatter anyway.

No matter how hard I try, how well I do.

I NEVER LOSE WEIGHT!

I'm doing a fast tommorow, just a simple 24 hour one, starting at 12 tnite.

I dnt no y I'm bothering. I'm gunna fail anywaym
.
I also have to go swimming...

My worst fear in the world...

Everything on show, all my fat roles, all my scars and fresh cuts, but I don't have a choice in the matter.

My mum has turned back into her noramal alcoholic self, despite all the rehab.

I hate my life.
I just want to die, but I want to die skinny.
Not the FAT cow that I am...

Star xx

welcome back?

I'm not entirely sure how to start this, I mean I could say I'm sorry that I haven't been here, but you probably didn't miss me much...
My depressing life,, the normal boring shit.
My hospital trips,,
Self harm,
Where ever Ana's fucked off to right now.
Probably gone on holiday. I'm too much of a fail. But hey, can't have everything that you want in life :/
I got my hair cut off yesturday, it kinda cheered me up.
But I still have everythibg lurking in the back of my mind.

I put on 40lbs in hospital.

My life really sucks.

I was in hospital for a while, hence the absence of my un-read, um-interesting posts.

But I was really good when I got out, I didn't let a single piece of food pass these lips for 4 whole days. Until today, I took money into morrisons. I bought ben and jerrys, ate the whole pot in about 5 mins, maybe less.

I was sick, but I still feel discusting and full.

I feel like braking down into tears of the thought of having 2000 calories pumping round my system...
Its enough to make me want to die. I'm such a failer...

Meanwhile, being on medds for almost any mental coindition on the planet is proving to be the most difficult thing to keep up with in the world
I'm not sure how too cope with everything atm...

Life is out too get me.
HELP!

Star xxx

A cry for help...

I really need help. I cant keep on living anymore.

If I had just one wish I would wish to not be in this world anymore.

I have to admit to this.

I cut last night, first time in 4 months. gutted.

also, pigged my face with 6 big bars of chocolate and gained 3lbs :(

Im right back where I started.

Its time to start all over again and not listen to what anyone says.

I have to start restricting again, im failing.

500 calories a day for tommorow.
walk 4 miles.
100 push-ups
200 sit-ups
50 tricep dips
run on the tredmill for an hour non-stop.
Then go swimming.
Do 150 lengths before I even think about stopping. Then do more.

sounds like a plan thats already failed really.

But I will try.
Tonight my main focus is to still be alive tommorow morning.

They way im going last night, it isn't looking to promising.

Sorry im in such a bad mood, I love all of you so much xxxx

And sun-lit~ if your reading this then im really sorry I ruined our deal :(

Don't read this.

If your reading this then. meh. its your own funeral.

Its a short one.

just to say that,

My girlfriend has a bloke moving in with her.

He asked.

I told him to piss off.

She stuck up for him.

I'm not sure if we r still together.

i dont think we r.

:/


I dont want to be in this worl anymore...

Thankyou. :)

I told my girlfriend, She went a bit mad and was really upset and still is I think.

Thankyou AmaDraque for you lovely comment, and welcome to my blog :)

In answer to your question about the medication..

Honestly? I'd love to think that it is, but I've been on medication for about 3-4 years,

I think the reason I havn't cut for 3 months is because I havn't been to school for the last 3 months, I can almost guarentee that I will start again when I go back in september. If I go back.

I see my therapist 3 times a week now instead of 7, But I personally don't think I have a very strong bond with her.

I don't tell her everything because I know that if I tell her the truth I will be there for years, and I just want to get out of there, People poking their noses aroun my life!. I hate it, and don't find it helpful.

This blog helps me more because I know that people are reading it have either experienced it themselves or know sort of what im going through. My therapist doesn't have a clue in my opinion.

I don't care how many qualifications she has..

Or how much experience she has..

People who are close to me can help me more, I wish so much that my parents would do more than just call an ambulance and let them get on with it.

But thats just my opinion. :) I hope that you understand,,


Welcome to my blog and hav a fun time reading it... lol,, my depressing shit haha.


Anyways...

This weeks weigh in shows that I have lost 1lb, In 3 weeks. Thats shit and im not vey happy about it, I want to lose more. I've been really as good as I hav ever been before.. and it doesn't pay off.


It was my dads 50th birthday party last night, everyone got completely wankered, including my 13 year old little sister. [I FUCKING hate her even MORE when shes drunk]


But that made me put on 3lb :'(


Im never gunna get to 9 stone... Ever, I know it. Im starting to give up on myself.

Myself is telling me to go back to cutting right now, but I don't want to :(

Im sure it will all work out.. one day,, have to go see my therapist tommorow.


Early...



Thankyou everyone for being so patient and reading this shit,, it must be seriously depressing


Much love from

Star xx

xxxx x
xxx xx
xx xxx
x xxxx
xx xxx
xxx xx
xxxx x


=]

soo.. back to square one...

Ok, im back. I couldnt deal without having something to write everything down on, my head was going to go bang.

I got weighed today, I now weigh 11st 11lbs, thats 6lbs ive lost altogether [including gains]

I missed you all, having your support to help me.
Having your kind words to keep me going,
Having someone I could moan to [sorry.]

I realise how long its been, and that time has been the biggest struggle of my life. I wish I never stopped writing this blog.

However,...

It has now been exactly 3 MONTHS that I havent cut, had to go to hospital for anything. :D

The hospital sent round someone to check up on me though, because they arent used to not seeing me. [They used to see me at least once a fornight!]

And I only have to do phsycotherapy 3 times a week [instead of 7]

But im still on my pills.



I had my abortion by the way. Tbh it was one of the worst thing I have ever done. Took someone elses life. I wouldn't mind taking my own if I am perfectly honest. But I can't bare to look back at that 9 week old baby that they showed me.

I still feel shit.

But I havent cut, I guess ive been feeling to down to even do that.

I got my implant so that It doesn't happen again.

I know I know,,

You are probably thinking,, "oh, but shes a lesbien, how did this happen?"

or something similar.

But I found out.

When I was drunk one night.

One of my "best Friends" decided he wanted sex.
Me being paraletic, couldn't stop him..,

So thats how it happened,

No, my girlfriend doesnt know either.

I try to tell her, but I cant bring myself to.

Never mind.. It could always be worse.

Much love

Star~
xxx

xx

x

Realisation

do ya no wot.
Im gunna stop writing a blog, its not helping anyone listen to me moan.
So this will be the last post I ever post.
I hope you all get better and be happy

I would ask if you would miss me, But I know the answer to that already

Goodbye, From
Star xx

Well,, I'm sorry to dissapoint...

This is not going to be an amazing long post,
I havent got the energy to type really.
work sucks.
Life sucks.
Meication SUCKS.
Ive stopped taking it, I hate being on it.
Ive
Literally
Just
PIGGED
my
FACE
after being weighed
I havent lost.
I havent Gained.
Ive stayed exactly the same.


I had a pregnancy test.
Who wants to guess the result? go for it...
Star xxx

inpiration? no... dissapointment? yes...

Sorry about the last post. Was a little depressed that night. Just for the record i didnt try. I was VERY close. but I didnt. I was just depressed. seriously. I think I might be pregnant...

Ive missed a period... ive also had sex in the last month... Bad stomache cramps... being sick... feeling dizzy... PUTTING ON WEIGHT...

Is it just me whos thinking 'shit, im PREGNANT, at the age of 15?' FML.

I do have a plan though. I'm going to the doctors after work tommorow. Im gunna ask for a implant,
then they will ask me when my last perios was, and ill say 'about 7 weeks ago' and theyll be like 'is there any chance your pregnant?' and ill say 'Yeh, I spose I could be.' I have to go to the hospital tommorow anyways, just like any other day. For my STUPID PHYCIATRIST!
then go back to work.

K, so you know I lost 7.5lbs in one week, then gained the half.
I was alright about that.
I stayed the same last week.
But this week
I put on 2LBS :'(

I dont know what im doing wrong. I just want to drown in source
:'(
or drown anyways... anything will do...

I was so drunk the other night, so drunk that I can't even remember what night.
I fell down the stairs and damamged the tendon in my thigh on my right leg, so I cant even run or anything this week.

It fucking hurts! and it is only the second time I have been in hospital for 2-3 days for something other than self harm!

I missed the first 3 days of my work experience, I only have to do 5. :) They know I was in hospital, so its alright. They cant really have someone on crutches in a hair dressing salon trying to sweep up. LOL. I cant even make myself a cup of tea without spilling it everywhere, im useless.:(

K, end of rant.

This weeks food list:

BAD foods:

Dairy products [except lacto-free milk]
Yeast [Bread, Marmite, Blah blah blah]
SUGAR [EVERYTHING!]
ALCOHOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOOD foods:

Special K+
Lacto-free milk
Cucumber
Celery
Lettuce
Vegetables
Sugar free source


= approx 200 calories per day :)

ooooooooooooo..... Interesting fact:

You burn more calories than you intake when you eat cucumber, celery and lettuce :) SCORE! :D


K, Rant over.
Love from you completely hopeless and lost
Star xx

Thats it...
Im dead.
Goodbye world.
Goodbye everyone in it

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

Damn guys, I was doing so well! i lost 7 and a half pounds in a week about 3 weeks ago. Last week I gained HALF A POUND which I was alright about.

Because then I was back on full numbers.

But this week.

FAIL

I fasted.

I threw up.

I was ACTUALLY ILL.

And still... no weight loss?

Life hates me.

Do you ever get mornings where you just wake up and you think 'Yeah, Today is going to be SHIT!' ?
Well, I had one of those.

Ive been going on about getting my tongue peirced since LAST SUMMER.

and what does my girlfrienddo ON IMPULSE today?

Gets her FUCKING TONGUE PEIRCED. I was so angry! I burst out into tears.

AFTER saying that she would wait for ME to get MINE done.

I don't think she believes that I can lose enough weight to get mine done :'(

WHY? WHY DO I LIVE IN THIS FUCKING WORLD :(
I don't belong here, or deserve to belong here :/

I might just
Go...
Die...
Right now...

Today.

Today, I woke up at about 8 o'clock pm.
Ate like the FUCKING FAT PIG that I am.
Tried like HELL to not cut myself << at least one thing went alrite, I didn't cut.
Cycled 4 miles.
Now im downloading msn. Which takes F O R E V E R .

Hell.
I was meant to be in school.
FUCK.

:/

Sorry.
BAD mood today
all 2 and a half hours of it :/
Star~

The Dreaded Weigh-in

I gained. Simple. I give up. My laptops FUCKED. I cant even lose HALF A POUND. I gain instead. Great. All I want to do it cut. But I cant.

Lordy, Lordy, Lordy...

I have my weigh in tommorow, I am really really nervous about it. I have been drinking cider and vodka every day since last thursday and even though I know how many calories are in alcohol, i still drank it like it is going out of fasion.


Thankyou for all of your lovely comments, sorry I can't put anything really very inspiring today, not that I really do anyway tbh.


I also found out I had an english exam this morning,(luckily I woke up early!)


It was on Romeo and Juliet, which because of lack of going to school, I have never read. YAY. I looked up on it when I got back at about 11.

I recon I gained this week,
I started eating again today.
Not much
I've eaten 78 calories
and worked off 600.
:/
Dunno, im going out for a bike ride.

Also, my laptop has been infected by like millions of viruses, I have to reset my entire laptop. Loosing everything, Pictures, Music etc. so I am sat on the main computer hoping that I remember to delete the history. If this gets found then I will probably just die.
This is a place where I write my personal thoughts, if anyone in my family decides to read this I am fucked.
My parents know that im mentally ill, They know about my tablets, My suicide attempts, My self-harm. But if they found out about Ana, That would probably be the last straw for them.

I hope that Ana will be with me tonight, I cant bear to gain. I would be so upset, I worked really hard this week, exercising before I go to bed, and after I wake up, Then in the day aswell [or night time, depending what time I wake up]

I feel like I need to do something with my life, I sit at home, go to school for an hour or so, then come home. Left to my own accord with only thoughts about Self Hatred and Ana.

Everythings just so quiet, I do jobs for my mum, Hang out the washing Blah Blah Blah. But i still feel like im sitting behind a chair, evaluating my life second by second. Seeing how FAT I am, How much I hate it. I feel it rolling over on my FAT belly, It folds in half when I sit down. :(

I just need something to revive me, Inspire me.

Sorry there is no thinspo, Didnt want to save it on my Dad's computer. :'(

From your Un-inspired, Quiet, Cut off Star xx

7.5 down... 6.5 to go...

After loosing just over half a stone in a week, I am hoping that maybe I can lose 6.5 pounds this week.

To reward myself for doing this, I will go and get my tongue peirced. This will hopefully hurt A LOT. Therefore stopping me from self harming for a little bit.

Yehh, I have gone cold turkey on self-harm. I made a deal, which i'm glad I made, But the erge is still there. :/ Its been about a month.

I was going through my pictures when I found pictures of some of my cuts, IF YOU GET TRIGGERED EASILY DO NOT LOOK.:












I dont think these are my worse ones, but just to give a slight idea. :(


I found my tablets, I lost them about a week ago now, Haven't felt so happy in my life.
The new tablets they put me on seriously reduce appetite, mine has dissappeared.(Y)

Some days are disasters that you wish could just end. Other days are bastards, just like a bad boyfriend. But it makes me feel much worse than this to see a face masked with a frown. I'm not telling you to smile but don't be down. Don't be down, my friend. Don't do your wrist any harm. You don't belong on a funny farm... (8)

Has anyone watched skins?

I love this song, made me happy. I sing it all the time now. ^_^

Ive never properly put any thinspo on here, but here is some anyways :) xx

Oh Yehh Sun-Lit~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY :)

errm...

Hi my beautiful followers, sorry i havent posted in a while, Not that it really matters because no body reads it.
See, I havent really known what to write.

I could tell you my life,
But no one wants to hear it.

I could tell you my thoughts,
But thats just Depressing.

So, im just gunna talk for the sake of talking, well, typing.

Im planning to get drunk tonight, again, just like the last 2 nights.
It makes me feel safe and secure, [but also like i dont need to worry about anything.]


But the problem is, it makes me put on weight like crazy.
-The amount of calories in alcohol makes me go dizzy thinking about it.

So I weighed in on wednesday. I lost 7.5 pounds. I am really pleased with that, im just wondering how long it will stay off.

My sleeping patterns have changed.

I have seriously forgotten when I last ate.(Y)

I bought myself a red bracelet today, and also bought one for my friend because hers broke(N)







Its Sun-lits~ birthday on the 29th, HAPPY BIRTHDAY :) xxx

Love from your Very hungover Star~xx

What is the Point?

What is the point of writing a blog that no one reads?
What is the point in getting up in the morning?
What is the point of having a blog that you cant express your true feelings on because you remember a deal youve made?
What is the point of staying up all night to make sure people are alright for you to go to sleep?
What is the point of living?
What is the point of medication that doesnt work?
What is the point of having a girlfriend that you cant confide in because your scared of her?
What is the point of trying to go against your own feelings if you always loose?
What is the point of food?
What is the point of a school that just makes you feel alone?
What is the point of trying to make friends that hate you?
What is the point of depression?
What is the point of doctors that hate you and don't really care?






WHAT IS THE POINT TO LIFE? :(




From your Sad, Lonely, Cut off, Unloved
Star x

Make Up on a face Doesnt Change the Person Underneath...

You know how 2 year olds act at their birthday parties? Thats how my 13 year old sister is acting today. even though her birthday in tommorow. Ive locked myself in my room, smoking my life away out the window.

It was my Grandad's 70th Birthday party last night. I ate like a ... Actually, ill porbably make myself sick if I think about it to much, and drank Babycham like I had been in the desert for a month without water. I feel like shit today because of it though, Im a little hungover. :/

So how is everyone else doing? xx Star~

If Today Got Any Better, I Would Be The Happiest Girl On Earth =D

Well, to start things off, today was actually crap until about 3ish. Then I got a phone call telling me to get to St. Marys primary school [about 2 miles away!] for quater past.

I though : I'm never going to make it.

But, I walked a mile and a half, In 7 Mins!

I was like

SHIT! I can walk fast! =D

Then I met my friend 5 mins later half a mile away.

I went back to his house [that is unheard of! his mum hates me!] :O

So then he came back to mine, we watched friends, blah blah. Drank loads and loads of sugar free energy drinks, [they speed up weight loss by so much!]

Then at about half 5 i got informed of a swiming test that i was apparently doing at 6! [WTF? i never got told of this!]

[I havent been swimming since last year]

I then went to slimming world with mother dear.
She gained half a pound
and I lost a pound.
Meaning I am now 2 and a half pounds off of losing half a stone in a month.
Then, when I get to a stone. I can get my tongue peircing :)

I have had such a good day :)

xxxxxx

This convo probably just saved my life:-

I'm not going to listen
to anyhting else.
becuase
right.
i know the truth.
your funny
and caring
and sweet
and such a laugh
and an amazing friend
and i actually admire you.


I know you dont have blogger. but I love you vicci Talbot. My Turtoid
xx

This too:-
no, you watch movies with me and make me happy
From sun-lit~ I love you, and I wouldnt be here if it wasnt for you and george.

xx

To Sun-Lit

To Sun-lit. im not going anywhere quite yet.
We have a while to convince my body out of this.
If you hadnt intorduced me to Ana, I would have killed myself ages ago.
You and Ana have saved me for now.
If I can lose the weight I need to by the date ive set, then i won't do it.

Thats the deal.

I hope it cleared things up a little bit. :)

Im feeling rather unispired today. And a little down. So maybe I should just fade into the background and not do anything. Maybe if I sleep long enough I might feel better. But I cant actually sleep until it is dark, or getting dark.

I have a 2 hour Religious Studies exam today, that I didnt even know about.
Yay. Life is full of surprises.

I am supposed to be revising, but I simply cant bring myself to look at the book. its rediculous.

:/

well, its nearly lunch time, and I havent eaten anything yet. So one thing today is going well. ish.

I woke up about an hour ago, and I just read through everyones wonderful blogs. They are all so inspiring. It made me happy :)

In case you are wondering [which you probably aren't] no im not meant to be in school. Im not going in this week at all apart from 2 hours tommorow for my stupid fucking exam! ruin my week much.

The Rocks of Life Won't Pull Me Down...

Im still awake from a movie night. we started watching films about 12 hours ago. we finished about an hour and a half ago. It was a weird night. We watched a series of really triggering films, then we watched little miss sunshine (its a great 'feel good' movie because we were all feeling a bit triggered) then we watched toy story, and still have to watch the second one.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

They must be felt with the heart.

- Helen Keller

This is a little something for sun-lit~ if she ever finds out how to read my new blog.

I offer you peace.
I offer you love.
I offer you friendship.
I see your beauty.
I hear your need.
I feel your feelings My wisdom flows from the Highest Source.
I salute that Source in you. 

Let us work together for unity and love. - Mahatma Gandhi

 I will always be here for you jazzle. If you promise to be there for me and help me with this.

For George, Who has been a great friend to me since colfox.
Ill help you, even if no one else will. Here's something for you.

Love You xx
"How do you know you've found your best friend.
When you are ready to talk to them about anything,
even though they know everything about you already."

I forgot to take my tablets last night. Well, Actually, i didnt forget, i didnt take them because i thought that i wouldnt need them. i would be with some friends all night, i would be happy. Turns out that maybe i was going to ruin the whole night! im sorry jazzle and george.

But Tbh, even though you were there i still did something. I just couldn't do it so deep as i would usually do in time like that, so thanks for saving me a hospital trip. :)

I havent even bothered to look at the scales for the past 2 weeks, i know how shit i have done without being shown that i have gained the 11lbs i lost.

*"Don't do anything today that you'll regret tomorrow." Im gunna write this on me to remind me - I think everyone should take notice of this, everything is going to be good monday, tuesday and [fingers crossed!] Wednesday.
Under 500 calories a day.
I can do it :)
then on Thursday, i might make it 400 calories, maybe.

I am going to be fasting for 48 hours starting at 10pm tonight. You are welcome to join me, just leave a comment to let me know.

Please take care of yourself
Love from Star
xxxxxx

TheTearsBehindTheSmile...

I used to use this image as my display picture.
Im sure everyone feels like this once in their life time. but i feel it all the time.

This is a picture of me. Before i got fat. I wish i could rewind the clock and be like that again. But even then i felt fat.
Food made me like this. I didnt have control over the food. It forced me to eat it. Then i met my girlfriend. She was really fat, and ate a lot.

I joined in with her.

I hate going on holiday.
I always eat lots because i can't smoke to supress hunger.
It would be obvious, if i happened to be doing a fast [which i was] then they would see me not eating.

Parents suck,
No one needs them.
My parents shouldnt exist.
My mum is an alcoholic.
My dad is just annoying, he always sides with my mum.
My sister, lets not even start.

I need to be thin.
I will be thin.

No one can stop me.
Ana is there for me.

"I am your butter and your bread. The voice that's in your head. I'll take you in and fill you up with a lack of being fed" -Ana

Much love ~Star xx