Did you miss me?

I'm back, Obviously none of you did miss me. I'm not that interesting...
although it has been 6 months, it almost feels like its been years. Years of failer, and dissapointment.
Maybe they were only so long becus of the long nights, being unable to sleep. THe long nights of nothing but blood and heart ache. The long nights, waiting for people to text me, just to see if they care...
But amongst all that, there seems to be light. A hope. A hope that is worth me staying in this world,, just a little longer.
But then, something like this happens. I am dragged straight back into my hell, because of some apsolute ass-hole. I was picking myself up, I didnt need the help of this blog to keep me going and inspired. But now that I am not just looking after myself... but a tiny little baby aswell, I dont know what to do with myself.
Im going to get fatter, moddier, and then when it's born, i'll be saggy, and be weighed down by a massive pair of boobs.

Well, everything was going well. I didnt cut, at all from october until about 3 weeks ago when I found out. no body knows. Just my blog page now.
NOT even my girlfriend knows. She would think I had been cheating.

Maybe, no, Its probably just what I deserve. Karma, some might call it.

Yours,
Star xx

lonely... where has she fucked off too now?

Ok, realising that nobody reads my blog has made me realise that I can put whatever the fuck I like on here!

I am pissed off ny head on vodka. Despite the fact I don't drink I've had half a pint of vodka.

I am just gunna lie here all day like I have done since monday. I'm gunna stay drunk forever and get fat.

I'm destined to gett fatter anyway.

No matter how hard I try, how well I do.

I NEVER LOSE WEIGHT!

I'm doing a fast tommorow, just a simple 24 hour one, starting at 12 tnite.

I dnt no y I'm bothering. I'm gunna fail anywaym
.
I also have to go swimming...

My worst fear in the world...

Everything on show, all my fat roles, all my scars and fresh cuts, but I don't have a choice in the matter.

My mum has turned back into her noramal alcoholic self, despite all the rehab.

I hate my life.
I just want to die, but I want to die skinny.
Not the FAT cow that I am...

Star xx

welcome back?

I'm not entirely sure how to start this, I mean I could say I'm sorry that I haven't been here, but you probably didn't miss me much...
My depressing life,, the normal boring shit.
My hospital trips,,
Self harm,
Where ever Ana's fucked off to right now.
Probably gone on holiday. I'm too much of a fail. But hey, can't have everything that you want in life :/
I got my hair cut off yesturday, it kinda cheered me up.
But I still have everythibg lurking in the back of my mind.

I put on 40lbs in hospital.

My life really sucks.

I was in hospital for a while, hence the absence of my un-read, um-interesting posts.

But I was really good when I got out, I didn't let a single piece of food pass these lips for 4 whole days. Until today, I took money into morrisons. I bought ben and jerrys, ate the whole pot in about 5 mins, maybe less.

I was sick, but I still feel discusting and full.

I feel like braking down into tears of the thought of having 2000 calories pumping round my system...
Its enough to make me want to die. I'm such a failer...

Meanwhile, being on medds for almost any mental coindition on the planet is proving to be the most difficult thing to keep up with in the world
I'm not sure how too cope with everything atm...

Life is out too get me.
HELP!

Star xxx

A cry for help...

I really need help. I cant keep on living anymore.

If I had just one wish I would wish to not be in this world anymore.

I have to admit to this.

I cut last night, first time in 4 months. gutted.

also, pigged my face with 6 big bars of chocolate and gained 3lbs :(

Im right back where I started.

Its time to start all over again and not listen to what anyone says.

I have to start restricting again, im failing.

500 calories a day for tommorow.
walk 4 miles.
100 push-ups
200 sit-ups
50 tricep dips
run on the tredmill for an hour non-stop.
Then go swimming.
Do 150 lengths before I even think about stopping. Then do more.

sounds like a plan thats already failed really.

But I will try.
Tonight my main focus is to still be alive tommorow morning.

They way im going last night, it isn't looking to promising.

Sorry im in such a bad mood, I love all of you so much xxxx

And sun-lit~ if your reading this then im really sorry I ruined our deal :(

Don't read this.

If your reading this then. meh. its your own funeral.

Its a short one.

just to say that,

My girlfriend has a bloke moving in with her.

He asked.

I told him to piss off.

She stuck up for him.

I'm not sure if we r still together.

i dont think we r.

:/


I dont want to be in this worl anymore...

Thankyou. :)

I told my girlfriend, She went a bit mad and was really upset and still is I think.

Thankyou AmaDraque for you lovely comment, and welcome to my blog :)

In answer to your question about the medication..

Honestly? I'd love to think that it is, but I've been on medication for about 3-4 years,

I think the reason I havn't cut for 3 months is because I havn't been to school for the last 3 months, I can almost guarentee that I will start again when I go back in september. If I go back.

I see my therapist 3 times a week now instead of 7, But I personally don't think I have a very strong bond with her.

I don't tell her everything because I know that if I tell her the truth I will be there for years, and I just want to get out of there, People poking their noses aroun my life!. I hate it, and don't find it helpful.

This blog helps me more because I know that people are reading it have either experienced it themselves or know sort of what im going through. My therapist doesn't have a clue in my opinion.

I don't care how many qualifications she has..

Or how much experience she has..

People who are close to me can help me more, I wish so much that my parents would do more than just call an ambulance and let them get on with it.

But thats just my opinion. :) I hope that you understand,,


Welcome to my blog and hav a fun time reading it... lol,, my depressing shit haha.


Anyways...

This weeks weigh in shows that I have lost 1lb, In 3 weeks. Thats shit and im not vey happy about it, I want to lose more. I've been really as good as I hav ever been before.. and it doesn't pay off.


It was my dads 50th birthday party last night, everyone got completely wankered, including my 13 year old little sister. [I FUCKING hate her even MORE when shes drunk]


But that made me put on 3lb :'(


Im never gunna get to 9 stone... Ever, I know it. Im starting to give up on myself.

Myself is telling me to go back to cutting right now, but I don't want to :(

Im sure it will all work out.. one day,, have to go see my therapist tommorow.


Early...



Thankyou everyone for being so patient and reading this shit,, it must be seriously depressing


Much love from

Star xx

xxxx x
xxx xx
xx xxx
x xxxx
xx xxx
xxx xx
xxxx x


=]

soo.. back to square one...

Ok, im back. I couldnt deal without having something to write everything down on, my head was going to go bang.

I got weighed today, I now weigh 11st 11lbs, thats 6lbs ive lost altogether [including gains]

I missed you all, having your support to help me.
Having your kind words to keep me going,
Having someone I could moan to [sorry.]

I realise how long its been, and that time has been the biggest struggle of my life. I wish I never stopped writing this blog.

However,...

It has now been exactly 3 MONTHS that I havent cut, had to go to hospital for anything. :D

The hospital sent round someone to check up on me though, because they arent used to not seeing me. [They used to see me at least once a fornight!]

And I only have to do phsycotherapy 3 times a week [instead of 7]

But im still on my pills.



I had my abortion by the way. Tbh it was one of the worst thing I have ever done. Took someone elses life. I wouldn't mind taking my own if I am perfectly honest. But I can't bare to look back at that 9 week old baby that they showed me.

I still feel shit.

But I havent cut, I guess ive been feeling to down to even do that.

I got my implant so that It doesn't happen again.

I know I know,,

You are probably thinking,, "oh, but shes a lesbien, how did this happen?"

or something similar.

But I found out.

When I was drunk one night.

One of my "best Friends" decided he wanted sex.
Me being paraletic, couldn't stop him..,

So thats how it happened,

No, my girlfriend doesnt know either.

I try to tell her, but I cant bring myself to.

Never mind.. It could always be worse.

Much love

Star~
xxx

xx

x