Ok, im back. I couldnt deal without having something to write everything down on, my head was going to go bang.
I got weighed today, I now weigh 11st 11lbs, thats 6lbs ive lost altogether [including gains]
I missed you all, having your support to help me.
Having your kind words to keep me going,
Having someone I could moan to [sorry.]
I realise how long its been, and that time has been the biggest struggle of my life. I wish I never stopped writing this blog.
However,...
It has now been exactly 3 MONTHS that I havent cut, had to go to hospital for anything. :D
The hospital sent round someone to check up on me though, because they arent used to not seeing me. [They used to see me at least once a fornight!]
And I only have to do phsycotherapy 3 times a week [instead of 7]
But im still on my pills.
I had my abortion by the way. Tbh it was one of the worst thing I have ever done. Took someone elses life. I wouldn't mind taking my own if I am perfectly honest. But I can't bare to look back at that 9 week old baby that they showed me.
I still feel shit.
But I havent cut, I guess ive been feeling to down to even do that.
I got my implant so that It doesn't happen again.
I know I know,,
You are probably thinking,, "oh, but shes a lesbien, how did this happen?"
or something similar.
But I found out.
When I was drunk one night.
One of my "best Friends" decided he wanted sex.
Me being paraletic, couldn't stop him..,
So thats how it happened,
No, my girlfriend doesnt know either.
I try to tell her, but I cant bring myself to.
Never mind.. It could always be worse.
Much love
Star~
xxx
xx
x
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Hello Star,
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog, so that's why I haven't commented before. I want you to know that I'm glad you decided to write another blog even though you said you wouldn't ... I'm glad for you, and I'm glad for all the rest of us out here who have a chance to see that there're others going through the same kinds of things that we are - or even that others have other problems than some of us who read your blog.
It always helps to see one is not alone, and blogging is a good way to do it, since like things are in today's society we often can't talk to those who are supposed to be closest to us.
This brings me to what you said about not telling your girlfriend about you being raped and the consequence it had. - I understand very well why you feel this way, but being outside and looking in I can also see why it would be important that you do tell her anyway, because not doing so creates an invisible distance between the two of you. And that is the one thing that will surely lead things in the wrong direction.
Do reconsider it, Star! I'm fairly sure you'll be glad you told her in the end, even if it doesn't give the result you hoped for. If she's as serious about you as you are about her, she will make the effort to get through everything and to stay with you.
One more thing: Congratulations with 3 months off cutting!! ... Yay, way to go, girl! :-D
Can I ask you: Do you think the medication plays a part in this?
... No, I'm sorry. I have no right to ask you anything, you don't know me and I just arrived (so to speak).
I do hope you have a therapist who understands you. So many think that cutting is all about wanting to hurt oneself, but often it isn't about wanting to harm oneself at all, and at any rate there's always more to it than that.
I will follow your blog and maybe leave a comment now and then (if that's okay).
...Hang i there, and remember: You're not alone!... '^L^,